


i send my soul to greet you (and hope you understand)

by ariya167



Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Femslash February 2019, Hopeful Ending, Pre-Episode: s05e18 The Jedi Who Knew Too Much, Pre-Relationship, Rated T for language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-10-22 12:58:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17663084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ariya167/pseuds/ariya167
Summary: Barriss is not alone.Ahsoka just hopes she realizes that.





	i send my soul to greet you (and hope you understand)

Ahsoka woke to a persistent pounding on her door at one in the morning, if her chrono was accurate. After a few moments, when she realized whoever was standing there was not going to give up and go away, she slid out of bed and padded across the stone floor.

Just before she opened the door, Ahsoka recognized Barriss’s familiar Force signature . . . soaked all the way through with an overwhelming sense of guilt and fear. 

“Are you okay?” Ahsoka asked when she opened the door. Purely on instinct, because after one look at Barriss she knew the question was utterly pointless. 

Exhaustion was clear in every line of her body, from the dark smudges under her eyes to the way her shoulders tensed. Her hood was gone, and she looked vulnerable without it. And the worst thing was that her fear was even stronger, almost tangible in the air. 

“Oh, Barriss . . . .” Ahsoka whispered as Barriss shuddered, pulling her close. To see Barriss like this, when she was normally so unflappable, she didn’t know what to do. “What happened?”

“I-I,” Barriss coughed, trying to speak. “I . . what I’ve done . . .”

“Here, come inside,” Ahsoka said hurriedly, because that was a statement she had no idea how to handle, and stepped to the side to let Barriss into her room.

Barriss stood against the wall, arms wrapped tightly around herself, and looking completely and utterly lost when Ahsoka turned back. Her heart ached. 

“Sit down,” Ahsoka said, and led Barriss over to one of her chairs. She hovered uselessly, desperately wanting something to occupy her hands. “Do you . . . want caf, or-”

“No, thank you, Ahsoka,” Barriss said, cutting her off. It was the most she’d spoken since she’d arrived, and Ahsoka’s chest twisted painfully. 

Ahsoka nodded, trying to find some sense of normalcy in the situation, and sat down opposite Barriss. “Right. Um . . . I’ve never seen you like this before. Are you . . . are you alright?”

It was as if that question caused the floodgates Barriss had been holding back to burst open. She slumped, head in her hands, and shuddered, every line of her body going tense again. 

Ahsoka was frozen in her chair, caught between wanting to help Barriss and being afraid to hurt her. What terrible thing could have happened? Why had she gone to Ahsoka, instead of Master Luminara? Was she hurt, or . . . something worse?

Eventually, Barriss spoke. The words were slow and halting, but Ahsoka was grateful for them nonetheless. 

“I . . . I’ve been angry. For a long time. At the Jedi, at the Republic, at everything. All the planets burned and razed and destroyed in this war . . . and there was nothing I could do to help, to stop it.”  
“Oh, Barriss,” Ahsoka said, but the words felt insignificant, tiny in the face of what her friend had just shared. How long had Barriss felt this way? How long had she felt inadequate, unable to help, unable to come to her friends for assistance?

“For so long, I felt . . . helpless. Worthless. Like . . . like everything I did was inconsequential because the fighting would never stop and I was just caught up in it.” Barriss laughed, sharp and bitter and cold, and Ahsoka’s heart froze. “It sounds so stupid now that I say it out loud.”

“What? No-Barriss, I . . . I never imagined that you felt this way. I never knew. I’m sorry. I wish . . . I wish I could’ve helped. I wish I could’ve helped you.” Ahsoka moved her hand closer to Barriss’s, cautiously holding it with her own. Barriss tensed under her touch, but didn’t move away. “Does . . . does Luminara know?”

“Master Unduli,” Barriss corrected, drawing back into herself again. “I tried to tell her. I tried to tell her the Republic were as bad as the Separatists, that the fighting would never stop because there’d always be another war, and we would never stop being soldiers.” Barriss’s voice went cold again, biting and intense, and Ahsoka tried not to flinch. “She didn’t listen. She thought . . . she thought I was just worried, about the people I was healing, that I couldn’t handle the violence.”

Barriss exhaled, slowly, and Ahsoka realized she was waiting for her to say something. But what did you say, to something like that? 

“It sounds like she cares about you,” Ahsoka tried. Though Barriss tensed, biting her lip, at least she wasn’t angry. Small victories, Ahsoka thought, and almost hated herself for it. “Just because she didn’t know what it was you needed . . . it doesn’t mean she didn’t try to help.”

“I know, I just . . . I just wish it was easier for me. I wish I could just reach inside myself, and . . .” Barriss held out her hand, miming flipping a switch. “Turn it all off. Stop everything I was thinking.” 

“It’s not bad to feel things, Barriss. The Jedi Code forbids it, but . . . it’s what makes you you. If we always ignored our feelings, we’d never want to help people. Compassion, kindness . . .” Ahsoka swallowed, hard. “Love . . . it’s what makes us sentient.” 

Barriss smiled weakly, brushing tears from her eyes with the back of her hand, but it was a smile nonetheless. “I . . . thank you, Ahsoka. Truly. For a long time, I’ve . . . I’ve worried that there was something wrong with me, that I . . . felt things I shouldn’t.”

She looked up, her dark, glimmering eyes meeting Ahsoka’s, and Ahsoka gulped. She . . . she couldn’t be talking about what Ahsoka thought she was talking about, right? There was no way Barriss-

Ahsoka realized Barriss was waiting for her to say something. Fuck it. She just had to bite the bullet and get it over with. “I know how you feel,” she said, and very carefully, very slowly moved her hand towards Barriss’s. 

Barriss stared down at her hand, eyes wide, and just as carefully, just as slowly, moved her hand until it was resting atop Ahsoka’s.   
Her skin was cool and soft, her delicate fingers gently tracing over the back of Ahsoka’s hand. Barriss made no move to speak, and neither did Ahsoka, comfortable with the grounding touch of Barriss’s fingers. 

“I think I want to leave the Jedi Order,” Barriss blurted, and Ahsoka flinched. 

“Wha-what?” Ahsoka spluttered, caught off-guard. Barriss was hurting, sure, but leaving-it was something that she’d never contemplated before.

“I’m not sure!” Barriss said hurriedly, and sighed. “I just-I can’t keep fighting. I can’t. I won’t. The Order . . . it’s not my home anymore.”

Ahsoka opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out. “You’d . . . you’d really leave?”

“Maybe,” Barriss bit her lip. “I’m sorry, I just-”

“No, no!” Ahsoka cut her off. “I’m not mad. I don’t want you to be afraid anymore. I want you to be happy. I just . . . I just didn’t want to lose you.”

“Oh,” Barriss said, the two letters heavy with meaning, and the brief ghost of a small, shy smile flashed across her lips. “Thank you, but-I haven’t decided yet.”

“I’ll be with you every step of the way,” Ahsoka promised, and squeezed Barriss’s hand. In that moment, sitting at a table with their hands clasped together, it almost felt like they were the only two beings left in the galaxy, orbiting around each other like stars, and Ahsoka smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi on [tumblr](bxrriss-offee.tumblr.com)


End file.
